For You, O LORD, have made me glad by what You have done, I will sing for joy at the works of Your hands. Psalm 92:4
What has God done in your life this year? Is there a reason for you to celebrate His goodness?
When the Lord formed me in my mother’s womb, He had a plan and a purpose for me. No one can thwart that plan. Even I cannot change His plan for my life. However, part of His plan is a time for pain and rejoicing.
It was in 2017 when the Lord broke me. He needed to do this to get me back on track. He knew if He allowed me to continue I will headed for disaster. But before I could find that way, I had to go through a difficult season in my life. The level of pain I went through was exactly how the Lord measured it.
He counted the tears that fell. The negative thoughts that kept running through my head, He read them all. He couldn’t stop me from feeling miserable and depressed. His Word (the Bible) was there to comfort me. But many times it didn’t get me out of the rut. In fact, I had momentary bouts of ending my life to stop the pain.
An Epiphany
January 2018 came and I finally understood what was going on. It was His Word that got my attention. His Word that I disregarded for some time became my lifesaver…again. When I meditated on it, everything made perfect sense. The dark cloud over my head dissipated. I had my breakthrough. Now that the Lord got me where He wants me, He was going to show me a new thing.
Right smack in the middle of the year, my husband and I joined the Glorious Hope Recovery Program. After that aha moment in January, I know my faults, my negative attitudes, and my insecurities. All these played a crucial part in who I have become. In the past, I tried to get rid of these negative thoughts and change my behavior but they kept coming back. I was unsuccessful and couldn’t get them out of my system. I knew I need help.
A Commitment to Change
I discovered while I was going through the GH program that it is between me and God. It is a commitment to myself and to God. The success of any ‘recovery’ lies on the person. The success of my GH journey is dependent on my determination to address all some of these life issues.
Yes, we had the support of our life coaches and group mates. But if we did not commit our entire being to the process, we will not receive healing… Healing from emotional, mental, and spiritual brokenness.
The reality is we all have that. No matter how good or perfect our life may seem. We have learned to adapt and live with these issues. But we never had the opportunity to face them. Like me, I thought everything that I experienced as a child was ‘normal’. But after processing those experiences, I discovered they were not the norm.
A Thing of the Past
Those five grueling months in the program opened my eyes to the impact of our childhood to our adult life. The way we are today is a product of all our experiences as a child, a teenager, and young adult. Whether parents or other relatives raised us, they all left an imprint in our lives. Some, we still struggle with until today. Others, we have gotten over with. While some, we brush aside thinking ‘it’s okay.’
Looking back at our past is relevant to finding who we are today and what we can become. Reliving the bad experiences caused by other adults in our life hurts. Imagine going through all those criticisms, ridicule, blame, and shame again? The purpose is not to blame these people. (They too were hurt by the people around them). The purpose to see the internal effect it has in our hearts. Unfortunately, those experiences made our hearts hard. It taught us how to feel indifferent, proud, insecure and a lot of other negative feelings.
A Transformative God
I have heard this question many times… “Why does a good God allow pain?” We cannot blame God for the choices people make. Heck, we cannot raise our fist at Him when we make unwise decisions. We cannot curse at God because adults choose to hurt us.
God did not make us robots. He gave us a mind to think, a heart to feel and a soul to connect with Him. God is not a dictator. He gives us the freedom to make our own choices in life. But He never leaves us all to ourselves. He has provided a way for us to know His will and His desires for us. The Bible or His Word is for us to read, meditate, and live with. But, we have the face the consequences of our wrong choices.
My GH experience allowed me to see the goodness of God once again. I have defined my life by the mistakes I have made. I allowed all these negativity to poison my mind and think the worst in me. God came in and rescued me at the perfect time. He removed all the filth and shame and cleansed me. God loves us so much that He will never leave us the way we are.
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6
A Renewed Purpose
I came out of the program committed to right the wrong and do God’s good. The Lord has provided a way for me to make amends to some people I have hurt. I had to acknowledge that I too had some hurtful words and deeds done. And what a relief it was! Somehow there are some who are not open to burying the hatchet. They still hold grudges against me. And that’s fine. I am aware that rejection will be part of the process. A time for them to heal will also come.
At the same time, I have allowed myself to let go of control and let God take the wheel. I prayed and surrendered to His will for my life.
Today, I see where the Lord is taking me. He has opened the door for me to work as a writer. I have shared about my insecurity as a writer and dared to call myself one. This is because I lack the credentials to boot. But the Lord is not looking at my diploma. He put this gift in me for Him to use in this season of my life.
My relationship with my family has also changed. Though we are still a work in progress. But I am thankful for the changes that are happening. My mom, with the help of GH, has a new understanding of her daughter. We communicate better now and see each other in a different way. My other sibling has also been more open and been more connected with the family.
My life is still not perfect. There are some issues in my past that I have not gotten over completely. I know this will take a lifetime to process. Neither am I Ms. Goody Two Shoes. I never was in the first place. I still get pissed at bad drivers. Unkind people frustrate me. My default tendencies haunt me once in a while. But I now have the tools to control my anger and extend as much grace as needed to the pesky creatures of the world. Now, isn’t that a cause for celebration?